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July 15, 2008

Miss Manners?

I know I do.


When I say manners, I don't mean knowing which fork to use first. 

I mean being polite about your food, and especially about your food needs.

These days, many people have decided preferences in food and drink and, in a world where anything from Trout Cheeks to Paula Deen's Deep-Fried Lasagna could appear before you, I think that's wise. 

Of course you ought to try everything in this best of all possible worlds, but, even if you do, you will eventually come up with a list of Not Worth My Time (and a slightly longer list of Not Worth My Money) food and drink. 

You're not a child, you're an adult. You should be allowed to eat what you want, without having to storm away from the table or produce the results of a recent urinalysis to avoid having to eat what you don't want.

On the other hand...

Just because you have taken a lifelong vow to never eat a certain food--whether your vow stems from taste, health, or philosophical reasons--does not mean that you have the right to interfere with other people's enjoyment of said food.

If you do, you are being worse than a child. You are being a teenager, for which there is no excuse in the world short of actually being between 13 and 19 years of age.

Yes, Vegetarian: this means that you have to enjoy your stir-fried green beans while watching your dinner companions rip rare, juicy beef in their teeth. 

Yes, Veal-Eater, this means that you have to endure your wife's sister's new boyfriend's enjoyment of a poached salmon right in front of you, where you can smell the salmon and everything.

Yes, Ovo-Lactarian, this means you have to be polite as you watch your boss's wife enjoy a frisee salad with a fried egg on top.

Wouldn't this be a good time to re-educate your dining companions about the sensual delights and/or health benefits inherent in your own favorite foods or food philosophy? No. It would not.

But they probably have all kinds of health trouble which could be fixed by a change in diet. Really. Believe me. No.

Yes, but we all have a duty to the planet--WHADDAYA WANT, A HOUSE SHOULD FALL ON YOU? I SAID NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Listen. The day someone says to you, "What is that very interesting dish which you are enjoying now? Please tell me everything about said dish, including why you are eating it, and omit no detail, however slight," you have my permission, and probably even that of Judith Martin, to give your "Grass-Fed Beef Will Save the World" speech. 

Until then, please remember that everyone has their own preferences, and, as members of society, we are bound to nod and smile when we hear these, and save our comments for later, in the privacy of our own kitchens.

At which point, you may even speak with your mouth full.


July 14, 2008

The Next Food Network Star, Ep. 7

Cassoulet.


Macaroni and Cheese.

Pork Loin.

Chicken Parmigiana.

What do these things have in common? they are the "signature dishes" of Lisa, Adam, Aaron and Kelsey.

(I look forward to the day when people will be asked their "signature dish" instead of say, their Drivers' License or Next of Kin. Mine, incidentally, is Fresh Mozzarella with Way Too Much Garlic Dressing).

Not many surprises here, although I'll bet Adam eats his specialty two or three times a week, while Lisa mostly just cooks hers for other people. (Do customers want a heavy bowl of beans in overheated Dallas?)

Kelsey and the Chicken Parm, hmm. I never thought she had anything in common with Carmella Soprano.

The challenge was for Adam and Lisa, then Aaron and Kelsey, to cook each other's dishes as well as their own, in the style of Bobby Flay's Throwdown show.

Now, honestly, I like that show because it takes apart the signature dish and explains it for us as Bobby "learns" to make it. With sometimes-mystical dishes like a New Orleans Muffuletta or a Kentucky Brown sandwich, this is interesting. (It was less so when we learned for the eight millionth time how to make Buffalo Wings in the manner of The Anchor Tavern of Buffalo, New York.)

The challenge was used here because this is TNFNS, and as usual the challenge echoed a show in order to publicize the show, not because it made any particular sense in terms of winnowing out the contestants.

It was like Adam had been struck by lightning, in a positive way. I have no idea how many thousands of ways mac & cheese & lobster can go wrong--lobster itself is far from idiot-proof--but he avoided all of them, and earned himself a solid from Paula Deen, to which he responded by adorably saying "Really, Paula Deen?" which made me love him. (And hate Lisa for her patronizing "Awwwww!")

Ms Garza seemed to be working a lot harder than she needed to, and her mac & cheese was not a success. Now, that was surprising--but I don't think it shows anything about her rock-bottom cooking skills, which are awesome. More like she just had a bad day.

Kelsey's day was a good deal worse than that--but again, it didn't seem as if her knowledge was off; she just made about two more bad decisions than she should have.

Tonight she decided to go "small and dainty" with the pork dish. As the wonderful Sunny Anderson said, "If I see Paula Deen on the panel, no way I'm going small and dainty". And pork, these days, seems to be all about good-timey gluttony. So that little tower of pork briquettes...not good.

And then the poor girl did a few silly things to her own Chicken Parm. She made a sort of roulade of the crunchy topping--even I know that breading is a lot less fun when it gets steamed inside the protein--and the sauce wasn't right and, heck, Aaron polished off his 18-minute version with like two extra sauces and a bust of Garibaldi executed entirely in breadsticks! 

So it was Kelsey's night to leave the island. In a way this doesn't seem fair; the kid's got skills, knowledge, personality and all she needs is experience and maybe a few chic-er hair-dos before she's everything Rachel is (and way more than Sandra). 

Adam, who no one would ever have predicted in the Final Three, seemed to have far fewer cooking skills and a lot less knowledge; his personality, however, is addictive (he's everything that the creepy Kevin thought he was) and he certainly is FN-caliber, personality-wise. 

I suppose that's the difference between "Okay for FN" (that's Kelsey) and "Perfect for FN" (that's Adam). Notice, if you will, that cooking skills were nowhere near as important.

As for Lisa and Aaron, I'd like to say I always knew they'd get this far, but if I felt that way at the beginning I certainly didn't publish it, so there's no way to prove how smart I was. 

Still, it makes plenty of sense; Aaron has the professional chops and a warm personality just waiting to be coaxed out, and Lisa, well, Lisa's the powerhouse; from the first moment she sashayed on the stage, we all knew that, if she had any food cred at all, she'd be among the finalists.

But, speaking of predictions, did any of us know the show was going to get this watchable...or, really, this yummy?

The very minute it cools down in this house, I'm going to find Lisa's recipe for Cassoulet and see where I can go with it.

July 11, 2008

The Next Food Network Star, Ep. 6

Now tell me--who thinks up these challenges?


They just seem a little--arbitrary? Or, I don't know, silly?

"Now the contestants have to do a live demo on TV With Rachel Ray. And a completely random Brownie!" Now, that's entertainment!

Why were these particular Brownies picked? Where were they from? Where were their parents?

It was all a big mystery. Perhaps things in Rachel Ray's world move according to their own rhythm and rhyme, making little sense to the rest of us. As long as "Rach" understands what' going on, that's all anyone needs to know.

I wasn't convinced by this. And I still don't understand where R.R. gets these audiences full of screamingly enthusiastic people.

But I've been ill for a while, so maybe I just don't get it as I should.

Anyway, I had been amazed to hear that Shane was the loser this week, because he seemed to have everything down: professional appearance, cooking skills, no fear of the camera. Little did we realize that he had a) a true fear of children and b) a true shallowness of knowledge.

Personally, I don't think the first element is an absolute killer in the food star biz (do they actually let Guy Fieri get near any children?), but shallowness will out. 

Someday someone is going to ask this kid exactly what it is he loves about "the French lifestyle" and he's going to say "The way they let animated rats do the work in their restaurant kitchens!" and the jig will, resoundingly, be up.

Adam, meanwhile, was in his 8-year-old element. If I were his Brownie, I would have developed a shrieking crush on him immediately. And Aaron, the cold and stodgy, was the greatest Cookin' Dad ever. Maybe these two need to share a show? I mean, sure, it would be The Odd Couple on Propane, and Aaron would kill Adam within the first thirteen weeks, but, until then, what a riot! 

The ladies did not do so well. Maybe the lower-pitched Jen or Cory would have done better in the Mom (or, in Kelsey's case Big Sis) role; our favorite Diva was just a little steam-rollerish towards her Brownie, and Kelsey suddenly turned into General Patton and started order Rachel herself around. 

Not good, Kelsey. There is only one Cutest of Them All and you are not yet she. Not good, Golden Princess of Culinary School!

Incidentally, La Garza has a hell of a publicity machine, which spent most of this week handing out clips of Lisa and the Brownie on the RR Show; these clips show Lisa in a much better, most objectively-edited light. I don't think there's anything actually wrong with what she's doing--it's just kind of weird, because she's not actually influencing votes; the election has taken place already, hasn't it?

Anyway, if I were she I'd do what she is doing. Whether she wins or not, she's got a whole new network of grassroots bloggers on her publicity list.

As with another strong woman of recent history, I think I'd like to vote for Lisa--but I might not be that comfortable sitting down and having coffee with her. Which is all right. As I said, I've been ill.

July 08, 2008

Sorry

I haven't written about Ep 6 of The Next Food Network Star. But they aren't re-running it until Thursday. THURSDAY! I do actually need to see it before I write about it.


And why, you ask, can I not call it up on many of the friendly sites which might have this video? BECAUSE I'M THE !@#$%^&* GOODY-GOODY WHO HAD TO TAKE TWO CLASSES AND THREE TRAININGS THIS SUMMER. That's why. And so I am very, very busy. 

Yes, they'll be able to drag my lifeless form onto the dais along with the rest of Adelphi University's Class of 2009, but at what cost, I ask you? At what cost?

In the meantime, let me say that it's a pleasure to see Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations" back again. Last night's show, a long tone-poem about Laos, held very little of Bourdain's signature smirk and a lot of beauty, awe--and guilt. 

What American forces did to this peaceful and simple country was, to say the least of it, egregious. Even Bourdain admitted that anti-American forces were harbored by the Laotians, but it wasn't a government decision, and the Laotian people should not have had to suffer for it. Certainly not unto the present day and beyond, when US ordnance is still maiming and killing people who had nothing to do with the war.

There actually wasn't a lot of food talk in this show, but don't let anyone think it was a bad 'un for that.

July 07, 2008

Wait...

OMG--SHANE was eliminated?????

But Adam "No cooking skills" and Aaron "No performance skills" still walk the set as free men?

This we got to see. Oh, Adam, where's that video?

Thre Will Now Be a Short Pause

...In our blogging of The Next Food Network Star.

The fact is we couldn't stay up o watch ep. 6 last night, and so we're going to have to catch a re-run before we blog again.

Sorry, folks--we''ll b back with the program ASAP.

July 03, 2008

Two Days in Kingston--for Zach Brooks (and You)

Zach Brooks, the imresario of Midtown Lunch, is one of my favorite people who I don't really know.  I feel as if I know him, sure, but the fact is I really couldn't pick him out of a police line-up if I had to.

Since we haven't met, I guess I shouldn't be insulted that he did not come to me personally with a request for dining tips in the Hudson Valley. He's staying right here in Kingston yet, and he never even thought of asking. What am I, chopped liver?

Anyway, in answer to Zach and almost anyone else who finds himself in the Hudson Valley any time this summer, here's a quick rundown of what's available.

(It goes unsaid that the best place in Kingston is my kitchen, but you have to email first.)

Butcher Case at Fleisher's The meat case at Fleischer's

First of all, Fleischer's Meat Market has wonderful cuts of beef, pork, chicken and sometimes duck or goat; that's if you're going to have a kitchen or grill in which to play around. If you don't have that, get some prepared foods--I tried a pastrami just last week which brought me right back to my Long Island girlhood and the days when a cold slice of brisket could be redolent with spices even before you slapped it on a piece of rye bred and slathered on the mustard. Fleischer's has wonderful sausages, and there are subtle ground meat mixtures like "Bork" and lean beef with bacon ground right in which could bring the Buddha back to omnivorism--not to be offensive. You can find such staunch HV brands as Ronnybrook milk and dairy and Sprout Farm cheeses at Fleischer's as well.

Around the corner from Fleischer's you'll find the Saturday Farmer's Market (a nice way to pass the time while you're in town, but most of the vendors appear the following day at the Rhinebeck market, which is bigger and somehow merrier--in my opinion, anyway) and Lucy's Tacos. Lucy's are a local mini-chain, with another branch in Red Hook; fine, well-cooked meats and vegetables in these tacos, and colorful cowboy-kitsch decorations if you want to set a spell while chowing down.

(We don't actually talk like that in Kingston.)

There is also Eng's restaurant on Broadway in Kingston ,where aficionados of American-Cantonese fare routinely fall in love; it's the kind of place where folks heading to Florida for the winter stop and get a few gallons of chow mein to freeze and eat when the fruits of paradise pall.

And there are Stewart's convenience shoppes all over the place on both sides of the Hudson; they have the best ice cream in the immediate vicinity, plus a sort of peaceful atmosphere and zillions (literally zillions) of ice-cold drinks at very low prices.

Adams Fairacre Farm, Kingston

Again, if you are staying someplace with a real kitchen, stop over at Adams' Fairacre Farms to assemble the nicest produce, fish, odd bits of offal (I've bought sweetbreads, oxtail and lamb shanks here, and many times thought about buying a whole, sculptural, frozen head of pig; it reminds one uncomfortably of the novel 1984 and also of the possibilities of head cheese). The breads and baked goods are fine here as well, but try to stay away from the canned goods and sodas; they are fearfully overpriced, and the local Hannaford's will do you much better on those.

That's it for Kingston. Woodstock, a somewhat famous Ulster County town from another era, is only a few miles away, but I wouldn't suggest you go there on a holiday weekend unless you want to write a very bitter essay about what the burnt-out end of the Summer of Love can come too. It all amounts to hippies and goats, and I don't know if you'd enjoy that.

So this would be the time to take yourself across the river. People say "across the river" around here like you'd have to cross in pontoons. Actually it's a very short bridge across the Hudson and it costs only $1 in toll, which you pay when you're headed East.

In Red Hook you will find a fine little coffee shop called Taste Bud's, which we love for its chocolates, frozen treats, fancy pastries and "Tripple Chippers" which are enormous bar-shaped chocolate chip cookies. (Bud makes a vegan version of these, which always seem to be the first to sell out). Cold desserts and drinks, too. Bud generally has a booth at the Duchess County Fairgrounds, where you'll find a music-and-carnival setup called "The Great American Picnic" this weekend.

The Fairgrounds are between Red Hook and Rhinebeck. (If you find yourself singing "From Red Hook to Rhinebeck, from Memphis to St. Joe, wherever the four winds blow" you will only be doing what I do all the time). 

About half a mile down Route 9 from the Fairgrounds you will find yourself surrounded by quaint shops, women in designer sports outfits, and men wearing baggy khaki cargo shorts like it's some kind of law. Yes, you're in Rhinebeck, and the only thing to do about it is to park your car until that feeling passes.

Or better still, get out of the car and walk a little. There are plenty of good things here, foodwise and otherwise.

Just to get you in the right geographical state of mind, you are now about ten miles north of The Cullinary, which some people call The Culinary Institute of America. I'm not sure if or when it will be open, but, when it is open, you can go and look at the incredibly lovely grounds, buy beautiful soups, sandwiches, and pastries from the Apple Pie Cafe, and catch up on your foodie reading at the Craig Claiborne bookstore. It's a fun half-a-day, especially if you want to see the balcony from which The Chairman welcomed the contestants in the first episode of The Next Iron Chef.

Oh, Okay. Well, I liked it, anyway.

Between Rhinebeck and the CIA are Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelts' homes, Springdale and Val-Kill. Unless you absolutely hate history, do stop by. These landmarks are pretty much the model of their kind, and you don't have to be a Democrat (or even American) to be moved by what you'll see here.

Okay, back to food. In Rhinebeck there are several small and medium-sized restaurants where, if you can get a reservation, you are going to want to eat. There's The Calico, best for sandwiches and pastries; Le Petit Bistro for old-school French. The Beekman Inn's resto is nowhere near as good as it was when Larry Forgione used to wear the toque, so you might want to just take a look and keep walking.

There's Samuel's, for candy and, in season, hot chocolate; Pete's Diner, inexpensive and filling. And there is Rhinebeck Village Pizza, as excellent a pizza as you will find anywhere outside of Connecticut and maybe Arizona.

Then there are Gigi Trattoria and, across the street, Terrapin. My favorite between the two is Gigi, because the service is nicer and because Mario Batali once prepared beef cheeks for me and my daughter there, but the food at Terrapin is so good that even staff who have been fired feel they have to go back to eat there.

The place for sushi is Osaka, a lovable neighborhood joint on Garden Street. When there, order an Annie roll. It is an enormous hand roll filled with cucumber under spicy tuna with tempura crunchies. It's named after me. And if you order it, the beautiful Jessica, finest hostess in the Hudson Valley, will giggle and ask you if you know me.

Annie Roll I think that's about it. Zach and any other visitors, I hope you enjoy yourself at Kingston. But don't bother stopping by my house (it's on Andrew St., just behind the High School. The fact is, I'll actually be staying in Manhattan this weekend. And if the Union Square Greenmarket is closed on the 4th, won't I feel like a fool?

June 30, 2008

The Next Food Network Star, Ep. 5

My coverage of this episode was held up by precisely one-half hour, as I was fascinated by a new ep of Ace of Cakes.

Do I love this wacky little show about a bunch of seriously stoned twenty-somethings making beautiful cakes in Baltimore?'Deed I do.

Every time one of the boys or girls turns to the camera with that "Dude. I thought this was study hall, dude!" expression on his or her face, I go right back to the '70's in my mind, and this, surprisingly, is actually kind of pleasant.

This particular episode involved Duff Goldman, the insanely good-humored master baker, entertaining Guy Fieri at Charm City Cakes (you wouldn't think these two guys could both fit in one tv shot, would you?) and being entertained, as only she can, by Miz Paula Deene (the shot actually had to stretch to fit both of them).

This was fun to watch, but, if FN means to take Duff out of the bakery and thrust him into the unholy FN Family Alliance, where he can concoct plum puddings for the Christmas Feast, grill semolina cakes with Bobby Flay, and ride shotgun with the Neelys on that debatable new show of theirs, we wonder if this has some meaning for the contestants in The Next Food Network Star.

Such as, "If we can do without Emeril and Mario, we can do without you."

Well, the Six Remainders (Lisa, Kelsey, Jen, Aaron, Adam and Shayne) were not at their best tonight. Guest Interlocutor was Cat Cora, a woman of steely wrists and not much huggability; personally, if I found myself in circumstances where she had to judge me in anything, I would take the precaution of sending a couple of quarts of Ouzo backstage and hoping for the best.

Here she was judging a fairly routine "surprise box" challenge, where each contestant had to make a dish out of the five or six ingredients in the closed box before them.

I found it interesting that this kind of challenge is as old as restaurant cooking itself, as a new chef in any kitchen is routinely challenged to create something palateable out of a limited number of ingredients. Apparently the contestants were used to this as well; the ingredients in each box were sensible, though not un-sophisticated, and each of the six came out with a classic and apparently tasty dish.

The challenge continued: the contestants had to show off their presentation skills by introducing each other's dishes. No one was great at this; Shayne was the only one who got beyond "mm, mm, this is delicious". Aaron just chewed for 60 of the 90 seconds. Jennifer once again looked like a deer in the headlights.

I was eating some rather eccentric whitefish salad at that moment; I had thought it contained scallions, but these turned out to be chunks of green apple, and the combination was really good. I tried to describe it out loud but when I found myself saying it was like "someone dragged the whitefish into an apple orchard" I decided to shut up and not be interactive. Not that my cat isn't still laughing hysterically about this.

Next challenge: form into teams (oh god no no no no I hate this I hate this No, wait, I'm in the audience; no one's asking me to do this...phew!):

-- Aaron and Adam (both looking thrilled to pieces, I mean not);

-- Lisa and Jen (much eye-rolling from the Beautifully Basic Diva, and I think I saw Jen go down on her knees in thankful prayer) and

-- Shayne and Kelsey (we're young! we're cute! Yaaaaay! Oh, shut up!)

Each team was to create a 45-minute version of a classic, long-cooked dish; the main course to be worked together, and each contestant to prepare a side dish.

Aaron and Adam had a dreadful time with their Coq au Vin. I would have as well, because I always thought the dish had chocolate in it. Aaron has the cooking smarts and Adam has the personality; together they could have managed something a little better than the incomplete and apparently undercooked plate which was served to the judges, plus Cat, plus Barbara Fairchild and the entire editorial staff of Bon Apetit magazine, featuring Severus Snape, I mean Andrew Knowlton.

I always make comments about Knowlton's greasy hair, so this time I'll change it up a little and mention his snivelling voice and strange, toothy smile.

Lisa and Jen were given the task of turning Turducken into a 45-minute romp through weeknight dinner, and had as little luck with this is you could have expected; Jen broke a bottle all over the flattop, ruining another three ingredients, and the sauce never did get on the plates. The judges belched and wondered politely if they could still order from Domino's.

It would be great to tell you that Shayne and Kelsey's Beef Wellington was an unalloyed winner, but, after all that, the best they could come up with was a comparative win: their dish was much better than those of the other contestants, but kind of middling on its own.

 I mean, re-thinking a Beef Wellington, if you've got a supply of good beef, pre-made pastry shells, and decent mushrooms, is just not difficult.

Compared to the other offerings it must have seemed like manna from heaven, and so everyone dragged their butts into the Star Chamber and settled in for a nice, cozy Night of the Long Knives.

For myself, I was in some suspense about how they could send at least two people home on one night, which they really needed to do. Do I need to spell this out?...Okay, then: Jen, because enough was enough. And Adam, because, in the course of eight or so challenges, this poor fool has only produced one edible dish. And Aaron too, because he needs to look for his kid.

Unless Shane and Kelsey are his long-lost twin kids, and Lisa is the Greek Goddess of Family Reunion, and then the whole thing could get quite early-Shakespearean and Bob could take the part of "Chorus" and end the play with one of those couplet-thingies without which the first-nighters at the Globe Theater never felt they had really gotten their money's worth..."Give me your hands, if we be friends, and Knowlton shall restore amends...)

(Ed. note: It was very hot in Annie's house as she was writing this, and apparently she flipped back to her days as a Frosh BFA candidate at Ithaca College, and that early "Shakespeare for Thespians" course. Excuse it please.)

Where was I? Oh yes. Well, they only sent Jen home, darn the luck. Then everyone sat around the carriage house looking very, very burnt out.

As was I. As was the Terducken. How long, oh Lord, how long?






June 24, 2008

from The Collected Business Correspondence of Ann Berrol Newman

Ms. Michelle Kadison
Editor, Chefs Without Borders
http://www.chefswithoutborders.com

Dear Michelle:

Thank you very much for asking me to contribute to Chef Without Borders. It seems like a wonderful site and a really new idea among foodie resources--a site about travel, both physical and mental, and how food brings us home and takes us far away. I wish you all the luck in the world with it.

As to my writing for CWB: again, I'm flattered that you asked, but I don't know if my tone is appropriate to your site. I am chiefly a humorist, not a deep thinker.

As for adventuring away from home, I'm going to take my first venture outside of the New York metro area this August when I fly out to California to eat at the French Laundry with my lifelong best friend for my 50th birthday.

I never go anywhere--I am more of a homebody than Garrison Keillor.

I travelled to Europe as a youngster and decided that, on the whole, I would rather stay home.

Since then I have only travelled under extreme duress, I mean with my former husband, who was never happier than when carting three days of dirty laundry in a backpack over two or three of the  Rocky Mountains. On skiis. Like the Von Trapp family fleeing Austria. So completely not my scene.

Then I divorced him and did not have to worry about his underwear.

Not that I have a phobia about travel. Many people travel. I just like being comfortable and, to me, travel is by definition a state of discomfort.

Others will say, "Get a load of those Andes! Where's my camera!" And I will be wondering why, in a big places like Central America, apparently there is no equivalent of Pepto-Bismol. How can that be possible?

I am assuming the Andes are in Central America. They could be on Rodeo Drive for all I know. That's how ignorant I am.

I am not the Hemingway sort. If a dark, handsome stranger came up to me at the charming bodega in la plaza of the exotic marqueta, I would drag out my English-to-Spanish phrase book (Social Services Edition) and possibly be able to ask him where the Ladies' Room was, after about five minutes.

I have no gift for languages. Some say I know way too much English, so I used up those parts of my brain which could have handled Spanish, French, and Latvian. I do know Restaurant Languages, but when Japanese people ask me for directions in NYC, it never helps that I can say "Convey my thanks to the sushi chef. His touch on the fish knife is as gentle as the crane at sunset, yet as forceful as the bite of the pubic louse."

Are you interested in my (interior) travels back to childhood meals, or a few dispatches from San Francisco this summer? (I'll be there for two weeks, basically because it will take me that long, after getting off the plane, to work up my nerve to the point of getting back on.)

If so, I'm your girl.

And in any case, thank you for listening and I am really honored that you asked me.

Sincerely,

Annie Newman
Annie's New York Eats

June 23, 2008

Before We Get to Food Network Star: Anyone Want to Dine at The French Laundry With Me?

The thing is: I wanted to dine at The French Laundry in Yountville, CA for my 50th birthday this August. So I hung around online and kept calling and finally, finally, I got that table for four at 5:30 PM on Monday, August 18.

Problem? Table for four. There are only two diners, me and La Skolnique. And I have to pay $100 per head for the diners who do not show up.

See, California takes place on the west side of the continent, where my usual chums, Brother Phil, JC, Crazy Janey, the Beautiful Daughter and even my cat, do not live. And none of them are hauling ass to the coast. Especially not the cat.

So would you like to join us?

Your qualifications are only:

1) Get yourself there,

2) Pay for your dinner (Could be as much as $300 without wines)

3) Make yourself a pleasant and comfortable dinner companion. (It is, after all, my half-century birthday celebration.)

The Sunshine Girls La Skolnique to the right, me to the left. Seriously, we have excellent table manners and clean up nicely.

If you are interested, please send me an email and tell me as much as you can about yourself. Suave, charming middle-aged men will of course be considered first, but La Skol and I will pretty much hang with anyone. Also, we are excellent judges of inner suavity.